Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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