3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
