And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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