I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
