My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize