went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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