I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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