God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I need a burrito and a hug.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
