can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
