Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
People in love make me want to vomit
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
