hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Vodka?
Forever.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
