he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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