Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
