By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
