he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
