i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
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