Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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