i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
should my penis look like a turkey
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
