worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
