Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
