I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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