This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
