I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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