Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
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