as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
its liver damage thursday
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
