I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
