i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
