Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
