Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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