I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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