Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
