I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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