So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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