he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
