Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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