So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
