dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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