If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
