Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
