I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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