went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
she told me i tasted like america
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
