he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
