It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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