i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
i already hear my dad disowning me
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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