i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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