i wish starbucks made bloody marys
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
