do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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