Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
