my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Randomize