I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
