if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
