just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
