$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize