sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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