What a fucking waste of an outfit
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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