You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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