You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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