Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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