shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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