Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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