Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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