I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
