I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
