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• (972): View more from Texas

  she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.

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• (217): View more from Illinois

  Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.

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• (203): View more from Connecticut

  as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  it's gonna be a great weekend

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• (512): View more from Texas

  You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.

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• (612): View more from Minnesota

  we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on

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• (510): View more from California

  EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!

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• (585): View more from New York

  i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.

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• (608): View more from Wisconsin

  he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.

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• (845): View more from New York

  I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.

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• (847): View more from Illinois

  I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.

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• (951): View more from California

  Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick

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• (739): View more from

  IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING

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• (954): View more from Florida

  The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.

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• (512): View more from Texas

  Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.

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• (713): View more from Texas

  if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.

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