I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
