Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
