That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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