sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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