Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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